"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 I was reminded of this famous saying recently as I wrap-up week #1 of Chris living in Texas.  Most give Eleanor Roosevelt the credit for saying these legendary words but really the quote dates back to The Roman poet Sextus Propertius gave us the earliest form of this saying in Elegies: "Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows."  Then in the 1830s, another author, Miss Strickland, gave us the more updated version of the quote that appeared in one of her pieces that was printed in The Pocket magazine of Classic and Polite Literature.  Now even though this simple phase has a long history and has been said by many celebrated people, I don’t know how true it really is.

Now before you get all up in arms, I am in no way saying that I do not miss my husband.  I do miss him.  I miss our conversations, his help, his support, and many other things.  But is his absence really making our hearts grow fonder?  Over and Over again we see this quote fall short.  When people move away, even if they don’t move far, very often their old friends don’t work harder to keep in touch or miss them more.  Many times, the person is missed at first but then life moves on and those relationships progress.  The friends are happy when they are reunited but as more time passes that they are apart, they will have less and less in common.  

Is this always true?  No, there is an exception to every rule.  Every now and then you meet wonderful friends who stay close to you no matter the distance.  Many of these special jewels in my life stood by me at our wedding not long ago.  These are the friends that you can go a week or a month without talking to and then pick up again and never miss a beat.  But all too often, distance or absence wrecks havoc on friendships.  Not the type of havoc that is fast and furious, but the type that is slow and almost unnoticed.  Until one day you wake up and realize you haven’t talked to that friend in a while and have no idea what is going on in their life and that friendship seems to fade, existing forever in your past but not in your present.

So let’s bring this back to my marriage.  Do I think our relationship will be one of those that fade into the past?  Absolutely not.  But I don’t think his absence is helping to make our hearts grow fonder.  Maybe it is because of the stage our relationship was in.  We were just learning to live together, to rely on each other.  Now that he lives in Texas, I am back to living on my own.  If I don’t make dinner, no one else will.  If I don’t do the dishes, no one else will.  And the house is exactly as dirty or clean when I get home from work as it was when I left.   

I think the same is true for Chris.  When we first started dating, he commented that he was completely self-sufficient and didn’t need anyone.  As our relationship grew and our marriage took root he began to rely on me.  For little things at first but then for bigger things.  Now he is back to doing all of those things, big and small, for himself.  I am glad he is self-sufficient but it is always nice to be needed.

As I count down the days until his return, I know when he comes home things will get back on track.  The pain of this separation will pass.  We will adjust again and go back to the happy bliss we had before.  But as for now, we focus on work and school and wrap ourselves in the comfort of our busy lives for this is one of the easiest ways for us to face the challenge set before us with courage.  I believe that Roman poet was a little confused.  I think my heart would grow fonder not with Chris’s absence but with his presence.  I know this is not the romantic thing to say.  We all want to believe in that romantic idea.  But the reality of the situation is that all too often as time continues, absence seems to make the heart grow indifferent.

"It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."  - Eleanor Roosevelt